So normally I leave the blogging up to Derek, but I felt like I might take a stab at it. So while this might not be as eloquently written as the blogs Derek writes, it is still just an honest account of where we are right now in our adoption process.

I talk to someone almost everyday about our little Zoe, and without fail I get the same question from people. “Is the waiting just so hard”? I always give the same simple answer “Yes”. I give that answer because until now I haven’t known exactly how to put my answer in to words. I don’t want to ever say “no the waiting is not so bad” because that would make me seem like I’m not fully committed to this journey or that I'm not already in love with my child. But the truth is “the waiting is not really that bad.” For me, this journey did not begin 2 months ago when we filed out our first piece of paperwork. It did not begin before I got married when Derek and I talked about wanting to make adopting a child a part of our family life. For me, this journey began almost 13 years ago in a small village outside of Vinnitsa, Ukraine. It was there that I met my sister Hope and God planted a seed in my heart. While I know that the Lord used me as an instrument in Hope’s adoption and I had a huge desire for her to become a part of our family, her adoption did not fulfill the desire that the Lord placed in my heart. I have known since I was 16 years old that I wanted to adopt a child. I knew that this was a desire that the Lord had placed in me. So for 12 long years I have lived with that desire with no knowledge of when there would be a light at the end of this waiting tunnel. While I wasn’t sitting everyday for 12 years thinking about when I would adopt, it has been a deeply planted desire. For 12 years I have clung to the promise that the Lord gives you the desires of your heart. I didn’t know how or when this would or could happen, but I knew that it was a true desire and that the Lord would be faithful.
So here I am 12 years later right in the middle of the adoption process. We are down to the last few months until we get to bring our little girl home. I long everyday to be able to hold her and love her and have her here. However, I don’t look at the waiting as just hard. After waiting 12 years with no light at the end of the tunnel, a few months with a bright light at the end doesn’t seem all that bad. I know and am confident that He who began a good work in me all those years ago is going to be faithful to complete it in just a few short months.

So what do I do while I wait?
Well, I do just that…wait. I am trying to remain as still as possible and seek the Lord’s guidance for every step I take. I know that this last stage of waiting has a purpose just like the last 12 years. I know that there are things that the Lord is doing in me and Zoe that requires just this specific amount of time.
It’s funny; I was sitting on my back porch the other day and saw a caterpillar attach it to the wall of our patio. It was this big fat nasty looking caterpillar that had all of these ugly spots on it. It quickly began forming a cocoon. I could see through the cocoon and could see that nasty fat caterpillar. It looked disgusting. Then just a few days later an amazing thing happened, that caterpillar was no more and a beautiful butterfly emerged. I feel like that is what is happening with my Zoe. The first time I saw her picture she was this tiny little girl with a shaved baldhead and was described as the sad little girl. There was no smile on her face and no hope in her eyes. Then we got another set of pictures and she started to show signs of maybe smiling, but she was horribly sick. She had almost a yellow color to her and her eyes looked sick. We got to see a half smile from her, but mostly we saw fear and apprehension. Then, just last night we got a new set of pictures, and just like that caterpillar, she has flourished. We saw a little girl with beautiful black soft curls beginning to grow on her head, healthy coloring to her skin, and huge smile that can light up a room. It is amazing to see how much she has flourished over these past weeks. And as I was thinking about her development, I started thinking of my own development. I can feel the Lord working, changing and shaping me in my own life. I too am becoming a “new creature”…a mommy. I see myself thinking less and less about myself and more and more about my child. I find that the boundaries that I have needed to set in my life for so long are so much easier to set and stick to knowing that it is for my Zoe and for my family. I am gaining a new perspective and appreciation for Derek. I am seeing him grow and develop in to a daddy. It is amazing, scary, thrilling and challenging all at the same time, but more than anything it is just part of this journey, part of the waiting.

So, until we bring our beautiful Zoe home, I will wait. If you ask me if it is so hard to just wait, I answer yes but I am so grateful that Derek, Zoe and I have this time to allow the Lord to continue working in us. So I face each day proclaiming the promise that he who began a good work will be faithful to complete it.


  1. on September 27, 2010 at 10:16 PM


  2. Kimba on September 28, 2010 at 8:38 PM

    Beautifully written, Tori. I loved your words and to hear your heart. So excited for this journey the Lord has you on!


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