When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time at my grandparent’s house in Alabama. I loved staying there and I especially loved spending times with my cousins. My cousin Jamie is almost 5 years older than me and when I was little I wanted to be and do anything she was doing. Of course, being 5 years older she didn’t always want me around. I will never forget this one time when Jamie was going to play with one of the girls in the neighborhood and I wanted to go too. Somehow she and my grandfather tricked me into getting into his truck. As he drove away I looked up at him and said in my small child voice “But Big Dad, Jamie’s dare and I’m here”.

That may have been the first time I said the phrase “she’s dare and I’m here”, but it certainly hasn’t been the last. There has been many times in my life that that phrase has ringed true in my life. Nights away from family while in college, weeks away from Hope while she was still in Ukraine. Years away from Carrie while she lived in Atlanta… All moments in my life when I thought she is dare and I am here.

Well this past week was full of those moments. On the second day that we had Zoe, she had a bit of a melt down. It really was not that bad looking back, but at the moment, it was horrible. She was being a typical 3 year old and testing her limits with us as her new parents. When she didn’t like our response she began crying and having a fit. She then proceeded to take off all the things we had given her and throwing them down. (She is one smart cookie) Well, as a new mom who was exhausted, in a foreign land, away from family, and having lived 2 of the most emotional days of my life, I lost it. I started crying and could not stop. I began to wonder could I do this? Could I parent this little girl? What if she didn’t like me? What if she rejected me? What if she didn’t want me to be her mom? Well the doubt set in and the spiritual attack was one of the strongest I have ever felt. So what did I do? I called my mom. I wept telling my mom what was happening and she on speaker phone told me exactly what to do. She told me to hold Zoe tight and tell her I loved her and sing to her. I could not even get the words out, so my mom sang over speakerphone as I held Zoe. I was a hot mess. I couldn’t get it together. I wanted my own mother so badly but “she was dare and I was here”. 

After Zoe calmed down and was back to her smiling self, I was still a mess. I just could not get it together. I wanted to be back home. Back in the comfort of my own family. I just knew that if Carrie was there, she could help me. She could reassure me, she could encourage me and hold my hand. But, “She was dare and I was here”. So Derek let the nannies at the guesthouse watch Zoe for a little bit so that I could get it together. We called Carrie and she talked to me for over an hour. I missed her so much, and it was so nice to hear her voice and hear her reassure me that Yes I could do this! She actually laughed at me and at how smart Zoe was to know how to get to me like this. Now, looking back, I can also laugh, but at the time I was not laughing. I was a mess. After a 1 hour $250 phone call to Carrie I was able to get it together. Derek, Zoe and I all went to bed very early that night and finally got a good nights sleep. Its amazing what sleep and reassurance from home can do.

I have to say that I am so happy to be back home in my own house, with my family close by. But, it is also so hard. “My little girl is dare and I am here”. Oh how hard that is to think about. This is probably the hardest “you’re dare and I’m here” experience I have ever had. How oh how can I be away from my little girl this long. Then last night as I lay in bed (well this morning at 5 am because my days and nights are mixed up) I sat praying for Zoe thinking lord how can I do this. It hurts so much that she is dare and I am here. Then the Lord reminded me of a sweet moment I spent with my daughter. On the last day before we took Zoe back, we went to eat at a restaurant that had an art gallery/store in it.  Zoe and I picked out a beautiful painting to take home. While Derek was paying and having the painting packaged up Zoe and I spent what would be our last 30 minutes just the 2 of us girls together. I held her tight and close and rocked her and sang songs to her. We sang, “You are my Sunshine” “Jesus loves the Little Children” and finished up with 16 versus of “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands” (we had to cover every family member).  The Lord reminded me of that moment tonight and the words “he’s got the whole world in his hands” played over and over in my mind. See, it doesn’t matter that Zoe is dare and I am here because God is everywhere. He has her in his hands, he has me in his hands, and he is holding both of us close. He loves her more than I ever could and he loves me that much as well. This entire journey is in His hands even if she is dare and I am here..


Post a Comment